Have you ever been on the receiving end of someone’s anger? My guess is we all have at one time or another. It doesn’t feel good. At most it hurts, and at a minimum it stings! It can even cause us to question ourselves. When we feel the anger was unjustly directed toward us, we can become defensive and spout off some of our own words.
If we are able to take a step back, we can tell ourselves that the anger is not about us. We might try to excuse the behavior of the other person. Or we might try to reason that they are simply doing the best they can, especially if the person throwing around their anger is someone in grief. And honestly, if someone is in the beginning stages of grief, they probably are doing the best they can because it’s so difficult to navigate. Those experiencing grief need much grace, compassion, and tender care. However, when anger continues to spill over onto others, well…maybe that’s the time to get curious and see how one can move toward peace.
But is grief an excuse to harm others?
I’ve seen people a decade into their grief try to justify their actions due to their grief. However, they did not do their grief work, and as a result, their anger and frustration comes out sideways.
You’ve probably heard that there is no wrong way to grieve. And on many levels, I believe that is true. I think though when we talk about this, we are referring to how long it takes to grieve as well as some specific ways that bring comfort to the griever. However, I think there might be some times when it is possible to grieve the wrong way. But it’s not really the wrong way to grieve, it’s the wrong response to those around us in our grief. Because while it may be understandable to direct unjust anger toward another while you are in the midst of grief, it doesn’t make it okay to do so. You still have to be responsible for you.
Get Angry
The Bible tells us in Ephesians 4:26 that it’s okay to be angry. It’s perfectly normal to be angry that your loved one isn’t with you because their life has ended. It’s acceptable to be so mad that you want to spit nails because someone didn’t take care of themselves in a way that hastened their death leaving you feeling robbed of the time you wanted to have with them.
So, go ahead and get mad! Punch that pillow! Yell and scream! Cry until you can’t cry anymore! But don’t sin. Don’t use your pain to lash out at others. Don’t use your pain to harm your children or yourself. It can happen so quickly that we only realize it after the fact. After the harm is done.
I know this is not easy to do, and I say this so very tenderly. You see, I have been the one that has harmed others out the abundance of my pain, and I have been the one consistently harmed out of an abundance of another’s pain. (If you’d like to hear more of my story, please click here.) But I Thessalonians 4:13 reminds us that as believers in Christ, we have hope. This doesn’t mean that you have to have a Pollyanna mindset and pretend that all is well when it is not. No! You can be angry and sad and have all the emotions and still grieve with hope.
How to Grieve with Hope
So, what are some ways that you can grieve with hope when you feel so incredibly angry and devastated?
First, grief requires that you slow down, and take time to be alone with yourself so that you can acknowledge your pain and anger. Sit in the quietness and allow the thoughts and feelings to bubble up to the surface of your mind. Name the emotions you are feeling. If you aren’t sure of what you are feeling exactly, go here to get a list of words. There is a phrase called, “name it to tame it”. It represents the fact that it is calming to your brain to name specific emotions. Say them out loud. And instead of “I am (emotion).” Try, “I notice that I’m feeling (emotion) right now.”
Second, acknowledge those painful things to God. Perhaps you are angry at God. Tell Him, and pour out the full weight of your emotions to Him just as Job and King David did. God is big enough to handle any emotion you have, and He welcomes you to come to Him. (If you’d like to learn more about taking your anger to God, listen to this podcast.) And then take time to listen to what He says to you. Listen to the song He is singing over you. Feel the comfort of the Holy Spirit. When you accept the comfort of God, it helps you to be angry in a way that is healthy and allows you to love others at the same time.
Third, weep deeply. Feel your pain. Feeling the horribly uncomfortable pain is what helps you to move through it. It can feel like you won’t survive it, but you will. Those who never express their pain are the ones who have the most difficult time in grief. If you need help or you have a fear of being overtaken by your pain, please seek the help of a qualified therapist or coach near you. This is how you grieve over the life that you didn’t get because grief is not only what happens to you, it is also about what doesn’t get to happen.
Fourth, express your pain to another person who can look you in the eyes. God could have placed your tear ducts anywhere, but He purposefully chose to place them in your eyes where they can be seen by others. Receive the comfort and care of another. Remember, you are not sharing the most vulnerable parts of yourself with just anyone who will listen. You are sharing those places with your safe people who care without the need to “fix” you.
Fifth, keep grieving and trusting God until you begin to accept the life you have without protest. No, it’s not fair. It doesn’t seem right, but it’s those intrusive “what if” and “if only” questions that will keep you stuck. However, ask the questions. Ask them over and over because this is a necessary part of the process. Then, if you come to realize that you will never know the answer, begin to let them go and trust God in the process.
Grief Doesn’t End, but God Will See You Through It
While it may be perfectly understandable why you respond as you do, grief is not an excuse to act in a way that is harmful to others. It is not okay to dishonor God or another. You are still called to love those around you even when you are in the midst of unbearable pain. But, if you recognize that you have hurt another from your place of pain, admit it, and receive the grace and mercy you are offered – you are after all human. We are all human, and we have all hurt one another at some point in life. It’s what you do after you realize that you’ve hurt another that shows your character.
You see, grief doesn’t end; but your life does get bigger and fuller as you do the hard and painful work that grief requires. As you do this work, your anger will lessen and your response to others will not be one that is unhealthy or harmful. So, ask what your emotions are telling you, talk to God, weep deeply, talk to safe people, and keep trusting God with every excruciating step as He gives you faith to believe that He is good, faith to know that He is working for your good, and faith that He will see you through.
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