Do you dread the holiday season? Perhaps it is a reminder of all that has been lost and what will never be. You see grief is not only about what has happened to you, it is also about all of those things that didn’t get to happen. Perhaps it was the dream of growing old together and dying in one another’s arms. Or perhaps it was watching them grow up and being able to dance at their wedding.
Some of you are missing a loved one this year who is still living but wants nothing to do with you, and you are heartbroken. Or perhaps, you lost your beloved pet this year and thinking about them not being there to lick your face or rub up against you on Christmas morning is just too much to bear. Some of you were hoping that this would be the year you would finally have that someone special to spend the holiday with and yet another year rolls by and you wonder if you will ever find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Whatever the dream was, you realize now that it will not happen and you are left feeling devastated, cheated, and robbed of the life you dreamed of.
Friend, it hurts to lose any attachment, and I want you to know that your grief is valid. Holidays tend to intensify the feelings of aloneness that are felt when we are missing what we long for. It leaves you feeling sad and wishing that things were different. You may even question what you did wrong to deserve the life you were given.
It’s normal to feel higher levels of anxiety and/or depression around this time of year too. You want so badly to skip the holidays all together; and when you realize that you have to go through them, it can heighten unhealthy thinking patterns that lead to an increased negative mood.
So, what can you do when you are feeling the Christmas blues?
First, do you have a favorite playlist of worship music? If not, now is a great time to make one. (You can also download my Calm the Storm of Grief playlist here.) Why? Because your vagus nerve is a cranial nerve that interfaces with the parasympathetic (calming) control of the heart, lungs, and digestive tract, and it’s the longest nerve of the autonomic nervous system1 that runs from your head to your digestive tract. This nerve activates the calming part of your nervous system when you hum or sing2! Isn’t God just awesome to allow worship to calm us?!?! And while you are singing worship music, you are also putting truth into your mind which transforms your thinking little by little. And what you think about helps to determine your emotions and your behaviors. Now, I’m not suggesting that worship is going to take away your sadness – it won’t, but it does ground you in the truth of where your hope lies which can be comforting.
Second, if you feel ready after losing a loved one, invite others who knew them to come over and share stories about them. This creates a safe space for community with others who understand that in grief you laugh and you cry – both are appropriate! Sometimes, you need to take a break from the sadness of grief and this can be one way to do that.
Third, think about something that you can do for another person that would honor the memory of your loved one or that you might simply enjoy. Many churches offer the opportunity to give gifts for those less fortunate than ourselves. Personally, I have been blessed when my family has signed up to help deliver the gifts to the families. The joy and delight that you see on their faces can really help to lift your spirit and give you something to feel good about. When you give altruistically to others, you increase positive feelings within yourself which can in return lift your mood.
Perhaps, you know someone who has had a loss or been on a cancer journey in the past year, and you’d like to send them a Box of Comfort and Hope. Click here to find out more. And if you’d like a free resource on Grief and the Holidays, please click here to download it. It’s filled with encouragement and ideas.
While none of these things are a magic pill, they do help. I’d love to hear your comments on the page if you decide to try any of these or if you think of something different that was helpful to you. I’m sending much love to you and praying for peace that passes all understanding from God our Father to comfort you during this season.
I lost my 14 yr old daughter in May and the past 6 months have been just very heavy and sad for me!! I miss her every day and struggle everyday to press forward but I do it cause I know it’s what she would want. With that being said she died exactly one month from her birthday so for her 15th birthday we had a party at a local pottery place and everyone painted ornaments that made them think of her and I purchased a small tree to make a memorial tree just for her. We had a meal and fellowship and a ballon release that day. On Wednesday the 23rd of November it would have been my dads 73 birthday, and it’s the 6 month mark of her passing and thanksgiving eve, so I have invited any of my family and friends who want to stop by or come eat with us to come celebrate both of them and thanksgiving with us on that day! We will start decorating our memory tree that evening and talking about just how blessed we were to have her for to short a time.
April, I am so sorry! Losing someone we love so dearly is brutal! Lots of memories for you in November. Thanks for sharing how you make meaning from your losses and move forward during such a difficult time. Sending much love to you and your family!