This title may be a little misleading with many people gearing up for football season, so let me just say upfront, this is not a football post! Last month, I wrote about how to be aware of your emotions as a grieving person. This month I want to talk about what to do if you are the one on the receiving end of strong emotions from someone who is grieving.

Many times, I think people are carrying burdens that we have no idea of what they are. This makes it imperative to show grace to others – especially when they may be experiencing the worst time of their life. And those first few weeks of grief, whew! It’s just totally normal for emotions to be all over the place. I think most of us here understand that. But what do you do when you are continually on the receiving end of someone’s outbursts?

Their Emotions are NOT about You

First, remind yourself that their emotional responses are not about you. It’s the people who are the closest to the griever who tend to get the brunt of the emotional backlash. So, remind yourself that you are in their inner circle and that’s why you may feel it more than others do. Remember, it is such an honor to be able to walk with someone who has experienced loss.

Lean in

The second step is to lean in. Validate their emotions and just meet them where they are. Acknowledge what they are going through. Ask them what it feels like. Ask them what they need. You might say, “How can I be the friend you need right now?” Many times, people just need to have their grief witnessed. They need a safe space to express it especially during early grief which is the first two years. This may be all that is needed because when grief is able to be witnessed and expressed, it helps the person to feel seen and keeps the grief moving forward. As much as you can, be the person who can forbear and overlook strong emotions because you know it is the grief that is speaking. However, if you continually find yourself on the receiving end of words or actions that are harming you, then you may need to take a different approach.

Gentle Confrontation

If you feel like you can’t protect your heart the way the relationship is currently, the third thing you need to do is to confront the person in a loving and tender way. I know, it’s so hard to know when you need to confront and when you need to forbear. You just love them so much, and you don’t want to add to an already painful experience! It’s also really important to take into consideration how long the person has been grieving. If it’s new, then it’s probably time to forbear; but when the actions and words of others over time begin to affect your relationship with them and/or your personal well-being, it’s time to confront.

Attunement

But before you confront, the fourth thing you can do is to attune to where they are emotionally and acknowledge their feelings. This will open the door to a gentle confrontation. You might say something like, “Hey, I know you are going through a really tough time right now, and I’m so sorry about that. I wish there was more I could do for you, but I also know it’s something that you have to do for yourself. I want you to know that although it’s understandable that you feel so many emotions, it’s not okay to take things out on me. I’m wondering if you might need more space; and therefore, I want you to know that I am going to give that to you, but that space is not me leaving the relationship or anything like that. I want to still check-in with you and see how you’re doing. Would it be better for me to check-in with you weekly or monthly? And of course, you can call or text when you feel up to it. I love you, and I’ll check-in soon.”

After you have this conversation, you really need to do what you said you are going to do. Give them space and check in with them in a time frame that they said was best for them. Don’t say you are going to give them space and then text them every day. And don’t say you are going to check-in with them and then not do it. It does take having some time alone for grievers to be able to process their grief. And this is what helps to lessen the intensity of their emotions.

Pray

Fifth, pray for them regularly. I know it’s hard to watch those you love so much be filled with an abundance of pain. You want to fix things for them, but you will have to remind yourself that grief is an inside job and not one that can be done by anyone other than the griever. They need to have space to weep deeply, and they need to have time alone to get angry and be able to move that anger out of their body. Perhaps they are going to counseling and need time to process all that was talked about. It’s perfectly appropriate for their focus to be more inward at this time.

I think that you will find that when you are able to be honest, not pretend that their behavior isn’t hurtful, and give the person space while still connecting with them, that the relationship will become healthy again over time. But if you decide that you know what is best for another person and you keep pushing your way in or you keep accepting behavior that, although understandable, is not acceptable, the relationship will deteriorate and you may find yourself with a relationship that needs a total makeover if it lasts at all.

Love Well

So, friend, take heart! I see your pain. I know you love your griever. I know it’s so hard to speak up at such a difficult time and it’s also so hard to know if it’s appropriate to speak up. Lean into Jesus. Say their name to Him. Ask for His guidance. Remember, the goal is to love them well while also protecting your heart regardless of what happens. People of integrity rise up to meet the challenges that life brings so that when they have done their best, they can look back without regret and know they loved well.