A habit is a regular practice, and we tend to think of that practice as one that is hard to give up. Have you ever thought about applying that to grieving?

What is Grief?

Let’s start with the definition of grief. Grief is a normal reaction to any loss. Grief is always the death of some one or some thing. Dr. John Townsend defines grief as “the process of letting go of what you can’t have in order to make room for something you need.”

Jane’s Story

We go through each day with big and little disappointments and losses, that can add up over time, if we don’t pay attention to them. It’s kind of like de-fragmenting your computer’s hard drive. There was a woman, let’s call her Jane, who was good at just about everything she put her hand to, but for some reason she felt like she was failing at life. As more of her story was gathered, she had been dealing with rebellious kids, loss of friendships, elderly parents, and the death of her cousin with whom she was close. When she came to therapy, she was depressed and sullen. She thought it was because her husband had recently lost his job which made their finances tight, but what she came to learn was that she was having a delayed grief response to all of those losses that she had tried to push through.

Possibly if Jane had taken the time to process each loss as it happened, it would have kept the new loss in perspective. Instead, she had layers of small traumas. Don’t get me wrong – the loss of her husband’s job was big deal, but that alone would not cause her to see herself as a failure and sink into depression.

The problem was that Jane was trying to hold everyone else up as well as taking responsibility for all the things that needed to be done. In holding up everyone else, Jane was denying her own grief. Maybe intentionally, but maybe not. We don’t know. However, what we do know is that Jane wasn’t able to let go and be present in her own pain. She didn’t take time to acknowledge and process her losses.

How to Get Started

So, how can you establish a daily habit of grieving to help you process your losses along the way?

Plan a Time and Space

I think it’s helpful to plan a time and space for taking inventory daily. Maybe this is something you do after dinner or before you go to bed. Think through your day and list any disappointments, hurts, sadness, or loss.

Acknowledge Your Loss

Next, simply acknowledge it. Loss is painful—even the little losses. Feel the pain, sadness, hurt, or disappointment. Put words to the feelings. Simply write or state, “I was really hurt when ________.” or “I was really disappointed when ____________.” or possibly, “I was really hurt by _____ when they said __________ or failed to ­­­­__________.” Let yourself feel those feelings even if it is uncomfortable to do so. You were designed to tolerate some discomfort.

Get Support

After you have acknowledged, named, and felt your feelings, tell a safe, supportive person. Tell someone so that they can “get in the well with you” as Brené Brown likes to say. You want someone else to validate your experience without trying to fix you or asking, “Want a sandwich???” (See Brené Brown’s The Power of Empathy.) Connection is what makes the difference in how we process our losses. Who can you process with?

You see, the Bible tells us in Galatians 6 that we must bear the load of others (verse 2) and that we also must each bear our own burdens (verse 5). In verse 2, the load is too much to bear alone, however, in verse 5, the load is what we each must carry ourselves. When we choose to process those small burdens daily, it opens up more emotional space to process the times that we have overwhelming loss. Again, it’s like de-fragmenting your computer’s hard drive to clear up space to keep your computer running smoothly.

Process Regularly

It’s okay to feel your feelings. It’s healthy to do so regularly. Did you know that your emotions and your immune system are connected? For example, research has been shown that not expressing anger and keeping it inside is a big factor in immune suppression leading to illness. Don’t dismiss the hard days or invalidate your experiences by not paying attention to what your body is telling you. To do this, you will need time and space to get still and listen to you. God has designed a fabulous system within your body that is like the indicator lights on the dashboard of your car. You never pay attention to it unless it lights up, but when it lights up you better take notice or you may find yourself stranded on the side of the road.

Your body senses what your mind may not be able to put into words. When you feel like you can’t breathe, take a moment, do some deep breathing, and get in touch with what is happening with your body. If you feel irritated, take time to figure out why. Don’t disconnect from yourself or your emotions because when you do, eventually you will become stuck just like that car on the side of the road.

Listen to What God is Saying

Not only do you want to take time to listen to yourself, you will want to take time to listen to what God is speaking to you. Take these things you are learning from yourself to God. Ask Him about it. Ask Him to help you. Ask Him for wisdom. What is He saying to you in the stillness? He has given you a spirit of power, love, and a mind that can choose wisely (2 Timothy 1:7). He never says you are not enough. He is not critical. He speaks directly, but always with love and compassion to those who are seeking Him.

Start Practicing

So, practice the habit of grieving. It doesn’t magically make things better, but it does help your mind, body, and spirit to align. When you are aligned, it positions you to hear the voice of God because you are no longer listening to the warring voices within. And isn’t that what we all long for—to hear the voice of God speaking to us?