Do you struggle with an inner critic? You know that pesky little voice in your head that says you are “doing it wrong” or that you are such a failure…
Internalized Messages
Somewhere along the way you may have picked up and internalized someone’s critical words. Most likely, it was picked up in your family of origin. Research shows that those who have a strong judgmental critic most likely had a critical mother. But whoever it was, you internalized their words so that you don’t need them to criticize you anymore; you have taken on that role for yourself. I want you to know that message you received that said you were at fault or that you are to blame, was never a message that God wanted for you. God never wanted you to carry such a heavy burden.
So, what do you do if you have a harsh inner critic?
Self-Compassion
Perhaps, self-compassion could be one of the keys to quieting that judgmental voice. However, you can’t give what you don’t possess. So, where do you get it from?
Let’s talk about what self-compassion is before I tell you where to get it so that you can incorporate it into your life. Self-compassion is simply compassion directed inward. It involves self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness according to Germer & Neff (2013). Think of self-compassion as you being your own best friend. But for the believer in Christ, self-compassion does not rely only on the self. (Can I get an amen?!?!) It is actually accepting the compassion of the Lord Jesus for yourself – taking the gift He offers you and relishing in it.
Research shows that self-compassion specifically targets feelings of unworthiness, shame, and self-criticism. Remember, what you practice, you become stronger in. The grass is always greener where you water it. So, are you watering the grass of self-compassion or self-judgment?
You see, there are so many wonderfully kind and compassionate people who beat themselves up continually. Sometimes as Christians, we focus so much on being kind to others that we forget that we are to be kind to ourselves too. We are to treat ourselves the way the Lord Jesus treats us.
Accepting the Compassion of Jesus
Stop and think about the things you say to yourself when you fail at something or life doesn’t go as planned. Do you give yourself grace? Do you show yourself compassion? Why or why not? What holds you back from accepting His kindness, compassion, and grace?
Jesus came into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be reconciled to God (John 3:17). The Apostle Paul tells us that it is God’s kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4). No one changes from judgment. No, instead you slink away in shame. But when you are offered compassion and grace and kindness, it leads to change! Self-kindness and self-compassion are so important as we grow in Christ.
Self-kindness, Common Humanity, and Mindfulness
Self-kindness allows us to soothe and nurture ourselves, confronting our pain when life falls short of our ideals (Germer & Neff, 2013). It allows us to lean into the sovereignty of God and receive His love no matter the circumstance.
Common humanity allows us to recognize that the human condition isn’t perfect (Germer & Neff, 2013). It’s the reason we need God. Remember, God didn’t come to condemn the world, He came to draw all us to Himself in love. So, the next time things don’t go as planned, remember that failure and imperfection are normal. Lean into God’s acceptance of yourself just as you are. Then, take the stance that God takes toward you. He draws close and is compassionate.
Mindfulness is another piece of self-compassion. Mindfulness is simply seeing our painful thoughts and emotions as they are without judgment or avoidance. You can’t deny your pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Being mindful of where you are in pain is necessary for self-compassion. You can’t draw close to God for comfort if you aren’t aware or you are avoiding your pain.
Rumination narrows your focus – you know that unproductive thinking that is stuck on repeat. But focusing on what we are feeling and thinking and then taking that before God gives us greater clarity and perspective. It helps us when life doesn’t go “as planned”.
Feel Your Feelings
Did you know that positive emotions are generated as we embrace – not dismiss – our negative emotions? That’s right! Feeling our feelings helps us to move through them. And some of those feelings are very painful. The harsh reality is that we have to feel them in order to move through them even when they are excruciating.
Self-compassion and receiving God’s compassion help us to become people who are integrated. We become less afraid of failure and embrace it as a learning opportunity. The more we become integrated people who accept failure as a part of life, the better our relationships with others are too!
Self-compassion helps to bring about emotional resilience and can be very helpful in healing from trauma. When we retrain our brain, we can begin to change our old thinking patterns that tend to beat us up. Because every time we beat ourselves up, the more we want to avoid negative thoughts and feelings which keep us stuck.
Personal Needs
When experiencing strong emotions, pause and ask yourself, “What do I need?” What do I need right now? What do I need today? Or maybe what do I need this week? Or what do I need during this season of my life?
When learning self-compassion, practice deep breathing. You can find many videos for deep breathing on YouTube. As you repeat the breathing for about 5 minutes, you begin to feel the calm that it brings during a moment of upset. I like to do this to worship music as I focus on the truth of the words. By bringing the light of God’s loving-kindness and compassion to your experience, you can discover your hidden wounds and fears that fuel your inner critic.
Motivated by Love
Remember, the compassionate self is motivated by love just like the love of Father God. The compassionate self says, “God loves me, and He doesn’t want me to suffer from self-imposed judgment.” Repeating the fact that God loves you and doesn’t condemn you is helpful. Or simply “I love me because God loves me. I have been given value and worth.”
As you learn to battle the inner critic, you also learn how to accept the good and the bad that comes your way in life. Even death is a normal part of the process, but none of us likes it. And it’s never easy. It wasn’t a part of God’s perfect plan. But every time sin enters the picture, death does too.
Never Without Hope
Thankfully, we are not left without hope. And we are not left to deal with life alone. We have the power and truth of the Holy Spirit. We have the Word of God. We have believers in Christ with whom we can surround ourselves with for love, support, and encouragement.
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