Guest Post by Jolene Underwood

What if the grief you feel is the result of a situation where you did, or didn’t, say or do something the way you wished you had?

Feeling like you’ve failed, because you messed up or just can’t seem to get it right, plagues all of us at some time or another. This challenge escalates in believers who want to trust, obey, and do the good things God asks of us. Our desire to do all the right things can overrun our ability to find rest with God.

No matter how hard we try, things just don’t always work out right. We face unexpected changes, losses, and challenges. And we just plain mess up. When we’ve said or done something that contributes to the losses we experience, grief and shame get tangled together. This tangled mess keeps us from living well, and experiencing the fruits of life in Christ.

How do we untangle this mess of feeling and thoughts so we can move forward in freedom? What do we do when we feel stuck in a mess where the truth of our choices, attitudes, emotions, and actions leaves us feeling bad about ourselves?

Deep breaths.

As we look back at how we handled a relationship, or a challenging situation, it’s easy to identify things that went wrong. Sometimes, we believe what went wrong was us.

This evaluation may or may not have an element of truth in it. We may have played a small part, or a big part, in the negative outcome we face. Compounded feelings of failure, mixed with shame, intensify negative messages we believe about who we are.

For the mind prone to feel bad about themselves, there is also a tendency to take blame and responsibility even when we did all we could and all we knew to do at the time.

Whether you played a part in the loss you’ve experienced, or you feel like you’ve failed more than is true about your situation, there is hope.

Moving forward begins with facing reality (what is) so we can step into what God wants to bring about.

Facing Failure

Deep breath again. Pause.

Try visualizing yourself stepping back as an observer of the facts about the relationship or situation that comes to mind. You’re reporting, not interpreting.

Notice what is, without added meaning.

What are the facts you notice about you, about others, about circumstances in your control and out of your control? Notice these pieces of information. This information helps to gain a clearer picture of reality – of what is.What is true about the way things turned out, or the way things are now, is the way it is. Not our interpretation of it, but the facts of what is and what is not. That doesn’t mean it’s the way it always will be. Remember this, the details of a situation never delegate the truth of who you are as God sees you, or who you will be as you continue a process of healing and growth.

For now, we are just noticing what is so we can face the truth of reality and experience the healing God wants to bring.

Notice the thoughts and feelings that come up with what you notice about the relationship or situation. Again, they are what they are. They will not always be this way. Distorted messages about who you are and the uncomfortable feelings you have now will change. None of this changes who you are as God sees you, or who you will be as God continues to comfort you, guide you, and help you grow.

With a sense of what is, or was, or what may never be, we come face to face with the truth of not having things we want to have. We face the messages of failure and feelings of badness as something we’re experiencing.

May you receive ongoing reassurance that these feelings will not stay this way.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. It will be OK.

Facing Grief

Inevitably, when we see the truth of what is, we find what we wish was different. We also identify things we wish were true but aren’t. Like the child who currently doesn’t talk to you. Or the choices a loved one made that affect others, including you. Or the relationship that isn’t what you thought it was.

Even when there is reason to believe the relationship or situation you face will change for the better, and especially when you have no idea if it could or believe it most likely won’t improve, loss plays a part.

Identifying what we’ve lost, including the dreams and hopes we had for our life, or the life of a loved one, provides a deeper connection to the loss we need to grieve.

Deep breaths, again.

Notice what it is you’re grieving. Remember the feelings of grief won’t last forever either. Also, you do not have to grieve alone. Jesus is ready and willing to meet you as you process unrealized dreams, unexpected losses, and your inability to make things turn out the way you want them to be. Invite him into the process with you.

Finally, consider others who can be with you as you grieve. Who can “mourn with those who mourn?” (Romans 12:15) Could it be a friend, a family member, a new acquaintance, a church member, or someone in a group like GriefShare, Celebrate Recovery, or Cultivate Together? God’s design is to meet you where you are, and connect to your heart through the work of the Spirit – and through other people.

May you receive the gift of God’s grace as you face hard things and grieve so you can move forward.

Failure is not the final destination. Restoration of your heart is.

For guidance and support in processing grief and facing hard realities, with the comfort and guidance God offers, consider using Unleash: Heart & Soul Care Sheets or joining the growth community, Cultivate Together.

 

About Jolene

Jolene Underwood is a trauma and abuse informed mental health counselor as well as a personal growth coach. Jolene helps individuals cultivate the courage, character, and connection for the LIFE their designed for. Her personal journey towards emotional health and training in Christian counseling, inform the practical support she provides for spiritual growth and emotional healing. She’s also the creator of Unleash: Heart & Soul Care Sheets and facilitator of the growth community, Cultivate Together. When she’s not coaching, counseling or creating content, you’ll find her enjoying her new journey in Maryland, puzzling, or adding to her collection of vintage glassware with a 70s flair.