Suicide Statistics
Did you know that worldwide, there are almost 800,000 people who die by suicide every year? In the United States, suicide was the 10th leading cause of death, and the second leading cause of death in individuals ages 10 – 34? According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), there were two and a half times more death by suicide than death by homicide in 2019. This means that slightly over half of the U.S. population is acquainted with at least one person who died by suicide. For each death, up to 135 people are affected – with 25 of those being profoundly impacted by the loss.
With so many people impacted, it’s important to look at how death by suicide influences grief and grief outcomes. Can someone who has been profoundly impacted by the loss of a loved one to suicide experience posttraumatic growth?
According to research, survivors of suicide loss tend to experience higher levels of depression, anxiety, and even suicidal ideation and attempts. The death always comes as a shock (even to those who may have anticipated it, but hoped against it). There are so many unanswered questions leaving survivors questioning themselves and their actions. Sometimes it can lead to complicated grief/bereavement.
With the statistics mentioned above, I realize that many who read this will have been affected by suicide loss in some way. Maybe it was a close family member or friend, or perhaps someone you were acquainted with. Personally, I too have been impacted—through family, friends, coaches, and family members of my friends.
First, let me say I am truly sorry for your loss. I so wish I had the magic words to take away your pain. Unfortunately, I don’t because they don’t exist. It’s going to feel painful for a while. It may take some time for you to even feel as though you are walking on solid ground again. All loss is difficult and painful, but it seems that loss by suicide adds an additional layer. You struggle with “WHY????” as well as “What if?” and “If only…” questions. You may struggle with feeling stigmatized whether it is real or perceived. It hurts and you wonder if you will ever recover from this loss.
Things to Consider
So, what can you do now that this excruciating reality is a part of your story?
- Acknowledge your feelings—whatever they are. You may find that you are beyond angry one minute and feeling so much love and longing the next. It’s ok to hold both.
- Reach out to others. Don’t try to do your grief alone. It’s too much! It’s ok if you don’t have the words to speak about it just yet. Ask someone to simply come and sit with you. When you are ready, share your feelings and deepest thoughts with them as this will help your brain to process the event. The more you are able to talk about it, the less complicated grief reactions you may have. Social support makes a difference in grief.
- Continue in your faith. This can be difficult to do because anger at God is a real thing, but research shows that faith can help you to eventually make meaning from your loss. Your faith can help you to transform and grow over time. Tell God your honest feelings and thoughts. He understands your humanity, and He loves you just as you are. And don’t forget to simply listen to what God wants to say to you. There may be times when you don’t feel like He is there and that your prayers don’t go past the ceiling, but exercise whatever amount of faith that you have to trust He is with you.
- Check out the story you are telling yourself. Is it true? Are the words you are speaking to yourself the same as what you might tell your best friend if they experienced this type of loss? Many times, when we are stuck in grief, there is most likely a story we are telling ourselves that isn’t true. Talk to your safe people about this and listen to their feedback.
- Don’t be afraid to join a support group. Compassionate Friends and Survivors of Suicide offer groups to the bereaved. Check out your local hospice as many offer grief support groups too. And I strongly suggest professional counseling to help you process areas where you feel stuck.
I wish this process was easy, but it is not. I want you to know that it’s ok to not be ok. Recognize that your pain is warranted and even necessary because when you can’t feel the pain of loss, it’s hard to feel anything else. Self-compassion, self-empathy, and self-care are important during this time. You’ve lost energy among other things, and it will take time to build it back up.
The truth is you will never get over your loss, but you can learn to how to incorporate it into your life so that it’s manageable. Eventually, you will be able to remember with more love than pain as you carry your loved one with you into the new life that you build.
New Book Resource
My friend and mentor, Rita Schulte, has written a new book called Surviving Suicide: Making Your Way Beyond the Ruins where she talks about her own agonizing experience of losing her husband in 2013. Anyone who has lost someone to death by suicide understands that they don’t call survivors that for nothing! It’s a fight that you engage in to simply live after this type of loss. When you feel you are ready, pick up a copy of this book. If you aren’t ready, maybe consider putting it on your Amazon list to purchase at a later date. You don’t have to be anywhere other than where you are at on your unique journey. It’s ok to simply be in process. Research has shown that with time and engagement in social support, you can experience posttraumatic growth. It doesn’t mean that you won’t have some posttraumatic stress symptoms, but you can hold both because life isn’t either/or, it’s both/and. You learn how to hold joy and sadness as well as hope and longing as you embrace your new life.
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