Your friend or family member just called you to tell you that someone they love died. It’s a heart wrenching call and you feel as though you need to come up with something to say to help them feel better or, at a minimum, offer some type of encouragement. Is it possible that the best thing you can say is nothing at all?

Be Like Job’s Friends

That’s what Job’s friends did. When they heard that Job had suffered much tragedy, they didn’t call him on the phone and recommend a counselor, or offer up a book, or give him advice. No, they simply showed up. And when they showed up, they barely recognized him. The friends began crying and sharing in Job’s grief. But what they did next was the best thing they did the whole time they were with him. They sat with him in silence for seven days. They were keenly aware that there were no words to make up for the loss that Job was suffering. So, they offered him their presence.

Isn’t it such a gift when good friends show up and just give you themselves? They don’t need anything from you. They are able to contain the big feelings of grief. The griever doesn’t feel the need to pull it together to make the friends feel more comfortable. Sadly, I think we have lost this in our modern world.

We Need a Savior

Our society wants a perfect life, and they want it fast! But that is not how life works. Real life is filled with ups and downs and twists and turns that sometimes shake us to our core and remind us that we are in desperate need of a Savior. A Savior who is okay with this messy and complex life. A Savior who never forsakes us, but shows up just when we need Him and offers us – His presence. A presence that will never leave us or forsake us. A presence that reminds us that we do not have to do this life alone.

One Anothering

All throughout Scripture God shows us that there is nothing that He asks us to do that is outside of relationship. Not in birth, life, or death. In all circumstances God is there, and He created us to be hard-wired to seek one another too. There are almost 60 verses about one anothering. We are created to be a calming presence to another. We are created to have need-based relationships. Not codependent ones, but ones in which I need you and you need me for the big things in life. Those things that Galatians 6 speaks of when it encourages us to carry one another’s burdens. If you keep reading in the chapter, it also tells us that we have to carry our own burdens. Confusing, huh? Well, it’s because the Greek words are two different words. The ones that we need to help one another with are those burdens that are crushing in life – like grief! But Paul reminds us that there are things that we must also do for ourselves and not expect others to do for us. While it would be nice for someone to take care of my daily tasks (assuming I’m physically and mentally capable), the truth is that those things are my responsibility. However, I think in our current world, we try to apply this to everything in life, keeping ourselves separate from those who could help because we “don’t want to be a burden.”

So, what do you do when someone you love has lost someone they love? When their whole world stops while the rest of the world keeps going – what do you do?

How to Help

First, just tell them that you are there for them. Let them know that it’s okay to cry and yell and feel that life is unfair.

Second, let them know what you can do for them. Don’t ask them what they need – they probably don’t know. Tell them you can bring dinner or keep the kids or clean the house – whatever you are willing to do. You can even have food delivered from a restaurant if you don’t live close. But if they say “no”, respect that no. It’s really important for them to feel in control of something when they feel they have no control over anything. You can call them a week later and remind them that you are there for them. You can make a smaller offer and give them the opportunity to accept it or turn it down.

Third, invite them to events even though they will probably say no. Most people appreciate the gesture and it brings a little bit of normalcy to their life. Remind them they can reach out to you because you recognize that grief is not a problem to be solved, but a process to be engaged. Keep reaching out during that first year even when they don’t respond. You can decide if you’d like to extend an open-ended invitation or if you want to keep reaching out beyond that. Don’t take their rejection personally – it’s not about you. It’s about what’s happening within them. Some people need more time and space than others.

Conclusion

It can be really hard to be vulnerable even with our closest friends and family, so give them unconditional acceptance if or when they want to talk. If you feel comfortable, you may consider letting them know about joining a Grief Share group if there is one close to them. If not, there are daily emails that they can receive for the first year to help with the grief journey.

Grief is hard. There is no way around it. Everyone must go through it, but no one has to go through it alone. Rest assured, even when your presence isn’t received, it is felt. And that, my friend, is often enough.