Spring can be a difficult transition if you’ve lost a parent or child or haven’t been blessed with the child you’ve been praying for so diligently. April showers not only bring rain; they can also bring anxiety as Mother’s Day approaches in May, and Father’s Day follows closely behind in June. Spring doesn’t seem to give these grievers a break!
In American adults ages 45 – 54, between 60 – 70% have lost one or both parents. And 9% of Americans have lost a child by age 60. That’s a lot of hurting people!
Strained Relationships
And perhaps your parent or child is still living; but for whatever reason, they do not choose to have a relationship with you. That stings! And when special days come around, they can cut deeper than a knife to the heart. Strained relationships leave you longing for something different.
For me, I’ve been a motherless daughter for over a decade. And if I’m honest, the emotional connection was lacking for my entire life. But I had a grandmother I was close to that I celebrated with every fiber of my being until she died when I was 15. As an adult, I was blessed with a godly mentor who became like a mother to me until she died in 2019. So, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day (my parent’s divorced when I was a toddler and I only saw my dad once after that) have always been weird for me. Awkward really, although I do have wonderful in-laws to celebrate.
But losing a parent that you loved or a child that you begged God to let live or to give you for the first time—how do you even begin to think about these special days?
What to Do for These Special Days
There are some things you can do to help you move through the day. I’ve listed six things you can try:
1. Notice Anxiety
You may notice that you first feel your grief in your body. You notice that you are fidgety or perhaps irritable, and you don’t have a specific reason why. Could it be the anxiety you are feeling about the upcoming holiday? Anxiety has been called by some, the missing stage of grief. It’s almost like pressure that builds and feels like it could burst at any second, but then the day finally comes and lets the air out of the balloon so-to-speak.
This is a sign that you need to take some time to focus on your self-care. Ask yourself, “What do I need in this moment?” And many times, the answer is, “I need my mom/dad!” It can feel as though we need him or her more than air. This is where grief enters the picture all over again. We have to enter into the “letting go” phase no matter how many times we’ve done it before. You see, grief isn’t only about what happens to you, it’s also about what doesn’t get to happen. So, cry, scream, or do some aerobic activity to get those emotions moving so that you can move them through your body and release them.
Perhaps what you are really wanting in that moment is to talk with someone who feels safe. Someone who knows you. Someone you don’t feel you need to explain every detail of your life to. Is there a sibling, aunt, uncle, or other family member or long-standing friend that you can reach out to? It’s always an added bonus if it’s someone who knows your parent that you can share how much you miss them and exchange stories about them.
2. Reach Out to Others
Don’t wait for people to reach out to you. Some may not realize what you are experiencing internally. Be proactive and let others know what you need. If you need them to call you, tell them. If you need them to go to lunch or dinner with you, tell them. Let them know the best way to meet your needs. Many people feel that if they bring up the lost parent, it will make you sad or remind you of them. They don’t realize that you are already thinking about them.
3. Make a Plan
Make a plan to do something you enjoy on that special day. Perhaps, you’d like to do something in your loved one’s honor like make their favorite dish or so something they loved to do. Having a plan will usually help you get through the day better than sitting at home alone. And before you do any activity, take time to remember your parent or child first. Maybe go to the cemetery, release a message in a balloon, or write a letter to them. This gives your grief dedicated time and helps you to know that you have done your best to honor them.
4. Consider Social Media
Special days are not the best days to be scrolling your social media feeds. Make a plan for what you want to do, but many find it helpful to stay off for the entire weekend (Friday thru Monday). Seeing others celebrating what you long for can bring up feelings of resentment or further increase your longing, thereby exacerbating your grief. But some find that seeing others enjoying their parents brings up fond memories for them of joy mixed with sadness. You know yourself better than anyone else, so make your plan and stick to it.
5. Pray
Most importantly, talk to God about how you are feeling. Ask Him to show you what you should do. God tells you if you ask for wisdom, He longs to give it you (James 1:5). God doesn’t think something is wrong with you for wanting help. He doesn’t condemn you when you feel lost. He is a God of compassion (Exodus 34:6) who pulls you close (Psalm 91:4).
6. Connect with Others
However you choose to spend Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, connecting with God and others can give you a sense of comfort. It can help you to feel less alone. And you may find that others have experienced similar losses. Being able to support another helps you to feel a little less helpless in your grief. And supporting one another in grief is one thing God has called us to do (2 Corinthians 1:3-5).
My prayer is that you will feel loved and supported during your times of grief. That you would feel your parent’s spirit as you carry them with you by the way you do or say certain things that remind you of them. And may these special holidays remind you that you are loved by those who are in your life even when those you miss are no longer with you. Most importantly, may it remind you that God is always with you and that you are NEVER alone!
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