Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and it may have been the first time that someone you love was not at the table. Their absence is magnified on special days. Maybe your family struggled over who would sit in their normal place at the table, and you ended up leaving that seat empty. That empty seat seemed to shout that what was once familiar has now become awkward and weird. It just doesn’t feel right to sit at the table and try to celebrate when your heart longs to be with your loved one who died. Or that family member who got mad and walked away. Or that friend who ghosted you.  Whoever it was for you, you miss them – and you wish things could be different. How can you possibly celebrate and pretend to be happy? And let’s not mention having to deal with Uncle Fred or Cousin Frank because we do not have the energy for all of that. How can you even begin to think about Christmas?

Don’t Pretend

First, don’t pretend. God never asks us to pretend. He asks us to speak the truth. To speak the truth to one another. Maybe you need to say, “I’m not feeling up to getting together with everyone this year. I think my family and I are going to enjoy being together with just us for this year.” Or if you decide to go to that extended family gathering, you might show up and say, “I’m not doing great, but I enjoy being with all of you. However, I don’t want you to expect much from me today. I may leave early; I hope you understand.” And still another option, is to cancel the holiday all together, but I know many of you will not make that choice. I just want you to know that you can give yourself permission to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Proverbs 27:12 states that “the prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.” What is it that you need to give yourself permission to do so that you do not just keep doing what you’ve always done even when things are different? Ultimately, you will pay the penalty: your body always knows. What is it saying to you?

Lean into God

Second, lean into God as you lean into your feelings. God created you as a multidimensional being with many different emotions that are designed to be indicators of what is going on inside of you. We tend to ignore our emotions because they have been dictators for too long and have gotten us into trouble a time or two – or a hundred thousand! But our emotions do not have to be dictators, they aren’t designed to do that. However, they are designed to be like those dashboard lights that tell us something is going on that we need to take a look at because if we don’t, we may find ourselves stranded. Again, it takes getting quiet and still before God. Worship music always helps me. (Calm the Storm of Grief Spotify playlist you received when you joined my email list might be a good one.) After you are still and quiet, ask God to reveal to you what you are truly feeling. If you are feeling sad, feel it. Feeling emotions is the only way to move through them. If you are mad, feel it; and then ask what emotion might be under the mad emotion. Sometimes, I find that I am hurt, but instead of feeling the hurt, it feels better to feel the anger. When we are grieving, it’s not the grief that we are avoiding; it’s the pain that we are trying to avoid. Missing someone who has died or left us can be excruciating. That’s a normal response because grief is an emotional attachment that centers around love.

Use a Direct Ask

Third, tell someone how you are feeling and ask them directly for what you need. Don’t sit back and hope that others understand you are grieving this holiday season. Let them know. Tell them what you need. Maybe it’s a hug, maybe it’s a phone call every few days, maybe it’s asking someone to pray with you and not just for you, or maybe it’s simply a weekly text to provide some encouragement. One thing that I’ve learned over the years is that grief work is best done in community with others. Yes, we do need time alone in our grief; but we also need time with others who can witness our grief and allow us to express it with words out loud.

Honor Your Loved One

Finally, think of ways that you can honor your loved one who has died. We carry our loved ones with us into the world. We have been shaped and influenced by them. Here are some ways you might want to consider incorporating them into your holidays:

  • Make their favorite dish
  • Share a funny story about them
  • Light a candle
  • Offer a prayer thanking God for the privilege of having them in your life
  • Make an ornament with their name on it
  • Watch their favorite holiday movie
It’s Okay to Cry

Know that it is okay to cry as you do these things. Tears are not shameful. They are a reminder of our love and longing. Remember, this life is temporary which means that being without our loved one is temporary. One day, we will be united together in heaven with those believers who have gone before us; and we will never be separated from them again. But even better than that, our focus will be on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. Our whole perspective will be eternal and so very different from our realities today. I so look forward to that day, but until then I will live with intentionality. One of the ways that we can all do that is to live in truth, even when that truth includes our grief and all of the tangled emotions that go with it.

Immanuel

In this season as you cope with grief and loss, know that it is perfectly okay that happiness is not the main emotion that you are experiencing. It’s okay to hurt, and to cry, and to have needs. Jesus came as Immanuel—God with us. That is His promise—no matter what we are going through, He is with us!