Boundaries seem like such an odd thing to talk about with the subject of grief, but pause and reflect on your own grief experience. You are at your most vulnerable place during times of grief and loss. Sometimes, you can’t seem to care about anything except the person who died. This can leave you open to being taken advantage of or exploited in some way. It may not be your money, but it could more easily be your time or the deep things within your heart.

Boundaries Defined

Boundaries help to protect you by keeping the bad things out and the good things in. Well, if you are not familiar with boundaries, you may be a little confused; so, let’s define boundaries. For this post, I’ll be using the Boundaries book by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. You can find a link to the book on the resources page of the website. (No, I do not receive any commission for the sale of the book; I simply want to make it easily accessible to you.)

Boundaries are simply those things that define who you are and who you are not. They say where you end and where someone else begins. Like a fence around a property line, they define what is and what is not your responsibility. Boundaries not only help you to know what you are responsible for; they also help others to know what they are not responsible for. Boundaries help you to guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23). They protect the image of God within you.

It has been so confusing to know when it is biblically appropriate to set boundaries. Afterall, if you grew up in the church during the 1980s, you were constantly told that what brought joy in life was Jesus, others, and yourself last—in exactly that order and for every circumstance. But that is not always the wisest thing to do according to biblical wisdom.

Common Boundary Questions

As Christians, we want to honor God and to honor others, but a part of honoring others is honoring ourselves too. We can have so many questions and wonder if we are doing the right thing. Here are some questions that Cloud and Townsend (2017) posed when thinking about boundaries:

  • Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
  • What are legitimate boundaries?
  • What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
  • Are boundaries selfish?

The answer to the first question is yes! You see, we are only responsible for ourselves (yes, there are some exceptions like our children who are under the age of 18). However, we are responsible to others and for ourselves. This means that we do consider others, but we do not make our choices based on what others would like for us to do. When we make a choice, we take in wise counsel, and then we go before God to seek His wisdom. This is a part of becoming an adult.

In times of grief, we need to have boundaries for good self-care. We need time with others, but we also need time by ourselves in order to feel our feelings and process our grief in order to form a coherent narrative about what happened to us and what it means in our life.

Those who struggle with setting boundaries can be so compliant that they say yes to “bad” things or they say no to “good” things. Some people have no boundaries where they need them, and they have rigid boundaries where they shouldn’t. Any of this sound familiar?

How to Set Boundaries

So, what do you do when you need to set boundaries, but you’re not quite sure how?

First, read the Boundaries book! There is so much helpful information within its pages.

Second, determine what you are responsible for according to Scripture. Let’s look at Galatians 6. You will notice the words “burden” and “load” in verses 2 and 5. The words sound like they mean the same thing, but they actually mean two different things. Let’s read the passage from the New International Version:

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load.

The first word, burden, is a word that suggests this is something that is excessive. It is something we need help with. It’s simply too much for one person. In verse 5, the word load suggests things that are a part of our daily tasks. These are things that we are responsible for like taking a shower, brushing our teeth, filling up our gas tank, or going to work. We cannot expect others to do for us what we should be doing for ourselves. But—there are times that we need help; and when we do, we need to be clear and direct in asking for that help.

Third, ask the question “What is mine to do?” You are the one who is responsible for your time, talents, and resources. So, if someone is asking for your time and you don’t have it to give, you need to be honest and say no. But what happens so often is that we say yes when we mean no, and then we become resentful or want to hide from the person. We can even blame the other person! And we can hurt another person’s feelings when our words and actions do not match. As Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind.” You can only give your best yes, when your no is very clear.

Fourth, get some supportive people around you that you can process your boundaries and relationships with. It’s helpful to have people in your life who can speak truth to you without judgment. They can give you the opportunity to role-play setting boundaries, and they can tell you if your boundary is too harsh or too soft.

Freedom in Boundaries

Boundaries are not selfish; they are necessary if we want to steward our lives well. And this is what God calls us to do—to be good stewards of all that He has entrusted to us. It is not easy. And you may have people who do not respect your boundaries. They may walk away. But if you allow another person to decide your life, you will remain their prisoner. And God has called you to freedom, not to be bound by slavery again (Galatians 5:1). Slavery is a burden; it is not the abundant life that God has you to live. Boundaries help you to steward your life well and to live in the freedom that was purchased for you in Christ. If you find that you are struggling with resentment and/or bitterness, take a look at your boundaries. They may very well be the problem…and the solution!

 

Cloud, H. & Townsend, J. (2017). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. Zondervan.