Grace. It’s a word that we hear a lot in Christian and secular circles, but what is it?

Grace is getting something that is not deserved or earned. Grace implies life-giving, unconditional love! Without grace, we live a life of judgment. We are constantly seeing if we measure up to the standard.

Ephesians 2:8 states that salvation from eternal damnation and to life in Christ comes by grace through faith as a gift from God. A gift. Something that is received from the giver.

But notice that it must be received to have an effect. A gift that is given but not accepted is meaningless.

Grace lets us stop holding the measuring stick. Grace says you are loved just as you are.

So, how do we get grace? Grace is internalized as we receive it from God and others. But we have to take it in and experience it.

Especially during our times of grief, we need to have grace for ourselves and grace for others.

We need grace for others because – let’s face it – grief is awkward; and people will do or say something without thinking it all the way through – even when they are well-meaning. If we hold on to everything people say that is offensive or hurtful, it will simply keep us stuck.

But what if we could offer grace even in the midst of our grief? How would that help us to move forward in our grief? How might that keep us connected at the very time we need support? How might grace help us to choose the right people to share our grief with?

Offering grace doesn’t mean that the comment or deed wasn’t hurtful. It doesn’t mean that we pretend it was something other than what it was. It simply means that we are making an intentional choice to not hold on to it or ruminate about it. We let it go. And many times, we have to keep letting it go!

This can be where grace for ourselves is so powerful. Knowing that God has extended his grace to us even though we did nothing to deserve it can help us extend it to others and ourselves.

There will be times during grief that we will judge and condemn ourselves, constantly ask “What if?”, wonder about other outcomes with the never-ending “If only(s)…”, and sometimes shame ourselves for not being enough ________ (you fill in the blank).

When we can accept our humanity and begin to internalize the grace of God, we can begin to give grace to ourselves. We can begin to integrate the good parts and bad parts of ourselves and accept them for what they are—human. We seek God’s forgiveness where it is needed, and we get up and try again with grace.

Giving grace to ourselves is really another way of saying that we are accepting all of the grace that God offers us. We are opening every part of our being to it. We are accepting it, and we are moving forward in it.

Don’t get me wrong: this can be really hard to do. It takes faith. And it takes practice.

The truth is that we need more than we can offer to ourselves. We need more than what is within us. We need God. We need His help. We need His grace. And God says that when we approach Him, He is willing to extend mercy and grace during our time of need (Hebrews 4:16).

I know sometimes during grief we can feel betrayed by God which makes it difficult for us to seek Him. But are your feelings equal to truth? So many times, we are tempted to base our view of God on our experience instead of His character.

In the Psalms, we can see how honest King David was in his prayers. He didn’t pretend, and he didn’t sugarcoat the truth of his experience; but he also didn’t let his experience cloud his view of God.

Go back to grace. Could you remind yourself of the promises and character of who God is? Could you possibly whisper the truth that you don’t understand and you might not ever understand? Would you venture to also tell yourself that you won’t allow your lack of understanding to keep you from believing the truth?

Know that God weeps with you. He longs to comfort you and protect you (Psalm 91:4). He hates the effects of sin in the world and on His people. And yet He promises new life – a new internal life in the present (2 Corinthians 5:17) and a new physical life in the future (Revelation 22:1-5).

Grace is waiting. Will you dare to reach out to God during your time of grief and receive all He wants to give you?