How many times have you heard to “just be strong” when experiencing grief? I know I’ve heard that statement several times in my own grief journey. Every time I hear it, I feel unseen and unheard. It makes me feel that people really do not understand what I am experiencing. What about you?

You don’t always have to be strong. There are times for strength, and there are times for weakness. The Apostle Paul said it was in his weakness that he was strong. Why? Because being weak made him dependent on God. Being in a dependent position put him in a place to receive from God.

Grief is Awkward

Friends, sometimes people simply don’t know what to say. Grief is just…well, awkward. It increases other’s anxiety and makes them feel uncomfortable around those who are experiencing grief. In order to relieve their own discomfort, they try to say something positive to relieve the tension they feel. Many times, they think they are being helpful. But those who are in grief, know it is anything but helpful.

When people tell us to “be strong” or “the living must go on”, they are inadvertently telling us to move on from our sad and/or angry feelings without fully feeling them. But research shows that this type of “encouragement” is not helpful. We need to feel our feelings to move through them. We need to name them. Did you know that simply naming your emotions helps to calm the brain?

King David’s Example

When we read the Psalms, we see King David expressing the full weight of his emotions. I’ll be honest—sometimes when I read what he wrote, I think, “Can he really say that?”. After all, he was a man after God’s own heart! King David had a lot of self-awareness. He knew what he was feeling. He knew what was going on inside of his body. In Psalm 143 (NLT), he acknowledged that he was losing hope, he was paralyzed with fear, and that his depression was getting worse. Read it for yourself. It’s there.

But notice what David did when he noticed these things within himself. He didn’t focus on them, although he was aware of them. No, he focused his mind on all of the great things God had done. In other words, he focused on God’s past faithfulness and had the expectation that God would continue to be faithful to him even though he didn’t know what that might look like. He recognized what was going on externally. He didn’t deny reality.

What You Focus On Grows

It’s true that what you focus on grows. Did any of you water your yard this summer only to miss a spot? Most of the yard is green with that one brown spot. Boy, I hate it when that happens. But this is a great example of what happens when what we focus on is different from what we don’t focus on. If the water had been focused on the brown spot like the green parts of the yard, that spot would have been green too. In order to build new thoughts, we have to focus our attention on something different.

But you can’t focus on solutions and skip the step of feeling your emotions. You can’t skip over being sad, mad, or downright furious. Anytime you bury your emotions, you bury them alive. They don’t just go away because you don’t acknowledge them.

Grace, Truth, and Time

Friend, it takes time to process emotions. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. For example, you can’t be married to someone for 50 years and be over them after a year. Grief doesn’t work that way. It takes time, but not time alone. It’s a combination of grace, truth, and time all working together. And some of that involves feeling intense emotions that don’t allow you to be strong for a season. That’s a part of the healing.

Although your life has been forever altered, it will be beautiful again. You will feel strong again. But don’t neglect taking time to not be strong. Receive from your safe people and receive from God. He is the mender of broken hearts. I know sometimes it feels that He is the one who broke your heart. If that’s what you think, tell Him. He longs to connect with you. Your strong emotions will not overwhelm Him. He already knows what you are feeling. And remember, no feeling is final. Feelings always change even when you think it will feel this way forever.

Self-Care

So, take time for self-care. Surround yourself with people who understand. Get a grief counselor who can help you move through your emotions at a good pace. Like King David, focus on God’s faithfulness to you in the past even in the midst of your grief.

It won’t always feel this way. You will find that one day you realize you feel better. That one day will turn into a week, that week into a month, and that month into a year. Most of the time we don’t even realize it’s happening. It’s only when we look back on life that we see our process of the healing that has happened. If you commit to do the hard work of grief, it will happen for you too. So, go ahead and feel your weakness, sadness, and/or anger, and let others be strong and support you during this time. Hopefully, one day, you will be able to do it for them too.