by Dr. H. Norman Wright – Guest Blogger

What are the losses in your life you have never fully grieved over? Whether it is a friend or family member, the person sitting across from me during a counseling session, someone attending a seminar or even the person sitting next to me on a plane—I have asked this question again and again. At first, they may think I am talking about a death they experienced, but during our conversation many times we discover the loss they haven’t moved on from isn’t death. When a person realizes they have denied, minimized, or ignored a loss, they can begin to heal. If we don’t properly grieve an unresolved loss, our reactions and feelings lead to a higher level of discomfort, and these issues continue to prevent us from living life to the fullest.

Life is full of relationships with people, things and dreams that break up, and then new attachments occur. As each change takes place, you must experience the grief that accompanies it. Some losses are inevitable—we all lose our baby teeth and move from grade to grade during our school years. Some are replaceable—a broken piece of sport’s equipment or even a stolen car. A trip to a sporting good’s store and good insurance can fix what was lost. But what about losing a friendship or a high school girlfriend or boyfriend, moving from your childhood home or losing a job? You can make new friends, and have many romantic relationships, but that person and the unique relationship cannot be replaced. You can move into a new neighborhood or get a new job, but attachment and security can’t always be replaced. Consider the high school student whose girlfriend broke up with him after they had been dating a year. He was caught off guard and his heart broken. He never really grieved this loss. Instead, he spent the next ten years sabotaging one relationship after the other, ending them before he could be hurt. He had convinced himself that all his relationships would end like the first and his need to control the outcome caused him to live unfulfilled and hopeless. He was stuck in an endless cycle.

And…the losses we experienced during COVID-19 are endless. Hugs, our sense of security, our freedom to come and go as we please, not knowing what the future would hold.

What can you do with your ungrieved losses instead of carrying them with you and struggling? By mourning we can find comfort, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matt. 5:4)

Make a list of each loss that you’ve experienced. This may take a few days—they may be deeply buried. When your list is finished take your time as you grieve over each loss.

  • Acknowledge the emotions you experienced (you may want to use the Ball of Grief to identify and give names to these emotions).

  • If you need to cry over a loss, don’t be ashamed, tears are a gift and help us heal. One man I worked with spent Sunday evenings going to the worship service at the church near him. He spent this time weeping and grieving the 5 losses that were responsible for twenty years of depression. After several weeks his sadness lifted, and he didn’t need to continue his counseling. Our tears matter to God. In Psalm 56:8 (CEV), David says, “You have kept record of my days of wandering. You have stored my tears in your bottle and counted each one.”
  • Writing a letter to say goodbye to what was lost can also be beneficial. Pent up feelings can be alleviated when you write long-hand—don’t edit, just write. You can find relief by putting your thoughts on paper and removing them from your mind.
  • If your loss was a relationship, write an unmailed letter to that person. Be honest, share your feelings, but end the letter with forgiveness. “Detach that person from the hurt and let it go, the way children open their hands and let a trapped butterfly free.” [1] We are able to forgive because God has forgiven us. He has given us a beautiful model of forgiveness. Allowing God’s forgiveness to permeate our lives and renew us is the first step towards wholeness.
  • Make a Timeline of Loss. Start from childhood and chart your losses –use thicker lines for the losses that were especially difficult.
  • Create a Change History. Take time to look at the losses you experienced and recognize the ones that led to something better. A broken heart you thought wouldn’t heal opened the door for you to meet man or woman you married. Not making the volleyball team in high school only to try out for lacrosse and excelling in this sport. An empty nest replaced by a life of travel and adventure with your spouse.

Remember, grieving takes times and is a disorderly process. We have been taught to avoid it at all costs. As you move through the process of mourning each loss, don’t be surprised if there are moments when your thoughts are disrupted, and confusion sets in. Time may stand still. Guilt and shame can unexpectedly become a part of your grieving. Like the other emotions, deal with these, too. Don’t let yourself become stuck, forgive yourself and move forward.

As you move forward in the future take time to recognize loss as it occurs. Spend time daily or weekly to review your losses and pray about them. Let yourself stop and feel—acknowledge and grieve. Don’t bottle them up and push them down.

Things can change. A smile can replace your frown. Hope can replace despair. We have a God who loves us, a Savior who sacrificed Himself for us, and a Holy Spirit who lives in us.

“May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” (Romans 15:13, ESV)

 

Recommended Resources

Experiencing Grief, H. Norman Wright

Recovering from the Losses in Life, H. Norman Wright

Restarting the World, H. Norman Wright and Bryn Edwards

When it Feels Like the Sky is Falling, H. Norman Wright

When the Past Won’t Let You Go, H. Norman Wright

[1]  Lewis Smedes, Forgive and Forget (New York: Harper & Row, 1984), p. 37.