Guest Post by Rita A Schulte, MA, LPC

Even people who have the social skills to be gracious in a variety of situations are frequently at a loss when it comes to finding the right words to say to those who have experienced a traumatic loss. Because people often feel that they have to say something profound and meaningful at such times, they often say the wrong thing.

If you’ve ever felt inadequate when it comes to talking with those who have experienced loss, consider this: people who are suffering don’t need you to fix them. They don’t even need you to understand their pain because you can’t. They just need your attuned, compassionate presence.

When my husband took his life a few years ago, my world came to an end, and everything I believed came into question.  Well-meaning Christian friends often wanted to quote Scripture verses to me, sometimes before it was appropriate. When someone is drowning in despair, even the best verses can leave you feeling confused, guilt ridden, even angry.

What Not to Say

If you would really like to walk alongside those who are brokenhearted and offer real help and hope, here are some things I would suggest you avoid saying…

First, don’t assume you know how anyone else feels. Even if you have been through a similar experience, and you want to share how you made it through, try to remember that this isn’t about you. It’s about them. Keep in mind that everyone reacts to loss in different ways, and the newly bereaved may resent being told that others know exactly how they feel.

Because we often don’t know what to say when someone is in the midst of deep grief, we are tempted to remind them that they have be strong, and that their loved one wouldn’t want them to be sad. The truth is, it’s normal to be sad when we’ve lost someone precious. The chances are pretty good that the bereaved already get that it’s going to take a great deal of emotional strength to get them through the rough times ahead, so there is no need to remind them.

I remember when people told me I had to be strong, I felt that I couldn’t be myself and show my grief. If I did, I would be perceived as weak, or, as not having enough faith. I had to hide my pain because it made others uncomfortable. This is the worst thing a grieving person needs to do. Find some safe people who won’t judge you and who will be willing to stand alongside you for the long haul.

Here is another cliché I was quoted often, “He’s in a better place now.” Just bite your tongue off if you must in order to avoid this statement. Even though as believers we may know our loved one is in a better place, the truth is we want them with us—period.

Another difficult verse to hear on the front end of grief is “Everything works together for good.” (Romans 8). This one’s a kissing cousin to the above statement and just as worthy of being stopped in its tracks by a quick nip to the tongue. When loss occurs (especially if it’s traumatic), we are never prepared, and we can hardly imagine anything good coming from it. It takes time for the griever to gain his/her footing again and make the necessary transitions to move forward.

No one wants or needs to hear that the death of a loved one happened so they might learn a lesson. You might be able to slide this one by someone who has lost a relative who has lived to a very old age, but it’s particularly insensitive to those who have lost children or spouses. God may indeed have lessons for us to learn through the cauldron of suffering but telling a newly bereaved person this makes God out to be uncaring and unkind.

This one was one of the worst, “God will use this so you can help others.” This one really stung. I felt like saying, “I can think of a lot of other ways to help people that don’t include being a suicide loss survivor. I never doubted God would use it in my life to help people, but I certainly didn’t want to hear it less than a year into all this.

The final cliché that gets overplayed is “Time heals all wounds.”  At best, this sounds shallow and empty, and at worst, it sounds somewhat dismissive of what the person is going through in the here and now. The truth is time doesn’t heal all wounds. I know because it hasn’t healed mine. Time gives us perspective. It gives us time to process. Time to transition and get our bearings. But you never get over loss, especially if it’s traumatic, you just find a place to put it.

How to Encourage a Griever

So, what should you say to someone who is walking through a dark night of the soul? You should let them know you’re there for them and that you won’t go away. You should put your arm around them. You should tell them that they have the freedom to share their grief and you won’t judge.

Tell them you’ll listen, and you’ll keep listening until they have created some sort meaning out of their adversity. I was so blessed to have so many people who laid down their lives for me, who cared, who listened and who did practical things to help me. They helped me to heal by giving me the best gift anyone can give; themselves.

 

About Rita

Rita A. Schulte is a licensed professional counselor in the Northern Virginia/DC area. She is the host of Mind Matters airing in Denver on KLTT 670 AM and a 1-minute feature “Consider This.” She is the author of Shattered: Finding Hope and Healing through the Losses of Life, (Leafwood) and Imposter: Gain Confidence, Eradicate Shame and become who God made you to be (Siloam), Think This Not That: Training Your Brain to Eliminate Toxic Thinking, Surviving Suicide Loss: Making Your Way Beyond the Ruins (Moody Publishers). Follow her at www.ritaschulte.com, on FB at RitaASchulte, and Twitter @heartlinepod. Rita hosts a Virtual Online Counseling Center where she does one-on-one counseling.