When you lose someone you love, it’s difficult to think about spending any holiday without them. When you’ve spent decades married to a spouse who has now died, it can be excruciating to think about being without them. And all of the advertisements about red roses, romance, and perfect relationships can leave you feeling sad, lonely, or downright angry. “It’s not fair!”, you may think. And you’re right. It’s not. One thing I’ve learned about life is that it is not fair.

Things You Can Do

If you find yourself in this place during this Valentine’s Day season, here are some things you can do to help:

1.     Feel Your Feelings

Know that it’s okay to feel your feelings. You don’t have to pretend or smile and say that everything is fine when it’s not. Feeling your feelings is what helps you to move forward with grief. Remember, feelings are God-given, and He gave them to us for a reason. Feelings tell us that something is going on inside of us. When you experience feelings of grief, it is the body’s way of helping to release feelings of sadness from loss. Grief helps to clear a space to make room for something new. It’s not that your relationship with your loved one is over because death does not end a relationship even though it does change it. It’s more that all of the space that is held by your emotions gets cleaned up, so to speak, as you release them as a part of the letting go process that is involved with changing your relationship.

2.     Write a Prayer of Lament

Try writing out your own psalm through the process of lament. If you’re not familiar with lament, it’s simply a passionate expression of grief or sorrow poured out to God in prayer. Lament keeps your soul oriented toward God and away from the pit of despair.* It has a raw quality to it that fits well with deep sorrow. It doesn’t attempt to make the pain any less than what it is. It never begins a sentence with “at least”. Lament does not deny the reality of loss or the reality of God’s sovereignty and immense love for His people. It acknowledges the struggle to trust and confusion you can feel when life doesn’t make sense to us. Lament allows us to hold unimaginable sorrow and deep joy simultaneously. And it doesn’t try to rush us through grief. As believers in Christ, lament is how pain, confusion, and bewilderment are processed so that when you hit rock bottom, you find that there is solid ground. If you’d like to learn more about the process of lament, consider reading *Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy: Discovering the Grace of Lament by Mark Vroegop.

3.     Use a Direct Ask

Try a direct ask. A direct ask is letting others know what you need when you need it. As Valentine’s Day approaches, let others know that you may need extra support. Ask them to call and check in on you during that week. It’s so important to let others know what you need instead of hoping that they will remember. When you have unexpressed expectations of others, it can lead to big disappointments. Many people don’t know how, but I think they are more than willing to show up for you if you ask.

4.     Give to Yourself or Another

Do something special for yourself and/or someone else. Contributing to your own wellness and/or the wellness of others has a way of helping you to feel good about the life around you even when it’s not perfect. Consider getting your hair done or volunteering at a nursing home with others who are missing those they love. Perhaps your church has a ministry to older adults or single mothers that you can invest in.

5.     Don’t Forget to Connect

Whatever you do, be sure to connect with someone whom you can be open with about how you are doing. Let them know how you are doing as well as how you are struggling. Sometimes, just talking about our experience can bring calm to our brain and body. Connection with others is one of God’s ways to bring grace to us. It helps us to know that we are not alone. But connecting with others does not mean that we have to spend the day with someone when we would rather be alone. It simply means that you are talking about what you are going through and sharing your feelings about what’s happening inside of you as it relates to the day.

 

So, this Valentine’s Day, first decide how you want to spend it. Next, allow your feelings to come whatever they may be. Ask for what you need, write a prayer of lament to God, and finally, do something for yourself and/or someone else. And friend, know that you are not alone because God is close to the brokenhearted which means He is close to you!